I would like to attempt to describe one of the moods I have experienced on multiple occasions.
I have yet to decide if this mood is triggered by external sources, or if it just decides to happen. I can usually feel it coming on early in the day, and this makes it worse because I know I rarely can break out of it if I desire to. I feel distant, unreachable, quiet, thoughtful.
I almost put apathetic, but although apathy may be present, it isn't the overriding emotion. During this mindset my thoughts are probably the slowest. I feel like my spirit has been sucked back into the deep regions of my sub-conscious, and my body has been left to run its own. I feel as if everything in me that desires to reach out and be social has gone into hibernation. My otherwise constant restless energy wave disappears beneath the surface. My interaction with others becomes hollow- though most people aren't paying close enough attention to notice. Which is mostly a good thing; most people who do notice think they can pull me out of it by involving me socially.
By saying my thoughts are slower, I mean they are slower-paced, less intense, not as 'loud', not as many voices. I suppose you could say this is the most peaceful my mind usually feels. Unfortunately my athletic and performance abilities plumet to a pathetic low, which I consider one of the worst side effects. I don't really like being around people when I feel this way, because I feel bad making them hang out with a hollow being. But it's better if I keep my mind busy so I try not to hide away too long. Most of my flake-out moments have happend while I'm feeling this way.
I don't feel hardly any emotions triggered by outside sources. I react only from habbit or expectations. Anything I feel comes from thoughts or memory's I dwell on that aren't related to the present; these are mostly longings.
There is my first 'mood scan'. I wonder if it makes any sense.
I have yet to decide if this mood is triggered by external sources, or if it just decides to happen. I can usually feel it coming on early in the day, and this makes it worse because I know I rarely can break out of it if I desire to. I feel distant, unreachable, quiet, thoughtful.
I almost put apathetic, but although apathy may be present, it isn't the overriding emotion. During this mindset my thoughts are probably the slowest. I feel like my spirit has been sucked back into the deep regions of my sub-conscious, and my body has been left to run its own. I feel as if everything in me that desires to reach out and be social has gone into hibernation. My otherwise constant restless energy wave disappears beneath the surface. My interaction with others becomes hollow- though most people aren't paying close enough attention to notice. Which is mostly a good thing; most people who do notice think they can pull me out of it by involving me socially.
By saying my thoughts are slower, I mean they are slower-paced, less intense, not as 'loud', not as many voices. I suppose you could say this is the most peaceful my mind usually feels. Unfortunately my athletic and performance abilities plumet to a pathetic low, which I consider one of the worst side effects. I don't really like being around people when I feel this way, because I feel bad making them hang out with a hollow being. But it's better if I keep my mind busy so I try not to hide away too long. Most of my flake-out moments have happend while I'm feeling this way.
I don't feel hardly any emotions triggered by outside sources. I react only from habbit or expectations. Anything I feel comes from thoughts or memory's I dwell on that aren't related to the present; these are mostly longings.
There is my first 'mood scan'. I wonder if it makes any sense.
When the empty distance comes is when I want to do nothing, say nothing but not be alone. Someone to sit there. Be present. They can read or do what they will. I just absorb the quiet absence of sensation. Maybe you don't feel the numb sensation but it pulls you deeper into whatever this is. I am almost falling but i'm on the ground. Staring, but not seeing. What is this?
ReplyDeleteI suppose deep down I do desire someone else to be there with me, but don't have many people I feel comfortable enough with. You are one of them, now. :)
ReplyDeleteStaring but not seeing...I know what you mean but I wouldn't know how else to say it.