Matchbox Twenty - Unwell (Official Music Video)

Mood Scan

I would like to attempt to describe one of the moods I have experienced on multiple occasions.


I have yet to decide if this mood is triggered by external sources, or if it just decides to happen. I can usually feel it coming on early in the day, and this makes it worse because I know I rarely can break out of it if I desire to. I feel distant, unreachable, quiet, thoughtful.


I almost put apathetic, but although apathy may be present, it isn't the overriding emotion. During this mindset my thoughts are probably the slowest. I feel like my spirit has been sucked back into the deep regions of my sub-conscious, and my body has been left to run its own. I feel as if everything in me that desires to reach out and be social has gone into hibernation. My otherwise constant restless energy wave disappears beneath the surface. My interaction with others becomes hollow- though most people aren't paying close enough attention to notice. Which is mostly a good thing; most people who do notice think they can pull me out of it by involving me socially.



By saying my thoughts are slower, I mean they are slower-paced, less intense, not as 'loud', not as many voices. I suppose you could say this is the most peaceful my mind usually feels. Unfortunately my athletic and performance abilities plumet to a pathetic low, which I consider one of the worst side effects. I don't really like being around people when I feel this way, because I feel bad making them hang out with a hollow being. But it's better if I keep my mind busy so I try not to hide away too long. Most of my flake-out moments have happend while I'm feeling this way.

I don't feel hardly any emotions triggered by outside sources. I react only from habbit or expectations. Anything I feel comes from thoughts or memory's I dwell on that aren't related to the present; these are mostly longings.

There is my first 'mood scan'. I wonder if it makes any sense.

Humming Autumn

The leaves are changing.



For the first time I can remember I'm glad autumn is here. I'm not entirely sure why. I guess it more closely resembles my feelings. It's a time of change. It's proof of God's hand in nature, that everything has it's season and that '...this too shall pass.'





I love walking outside and feeling the chill morning air kiss my skin. It brings a part of me alive I haven't felt in a while. The vibrant colors touch my mind and heart in a way that makes me want to write again. I haven't done poetry or stories for many months. I've spent a lot of time reading, mainly the works of Richard Paul Evans. The messages spoken between the lines have taught me things I hope to carry with me from now on. Perhaps what's driven me to books is the unsatisfaction with my own life. I feel like I'm laying under the leaves as they fall this season, content to hybernate with the earth under their rough blanket.

I AM...

People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates. ~Thomas Szasz

~~~~

I'm not doing so well lately. But I'm also doing just fine. I can't seem to keep a grip on any type of reality...how I feel, what I want, who I am...I was pondering that very subject when I came across the quote above. I like it. It makes me feel a little less unsure about my identity. I guess if I don't have all the answers to 'who am I?' it's okay, because I'm still in the making process. I've been worried because my psyche can't seem to settle on how it feels about life and all its aspects. One day I am exstatic and opptomistic about my life and where it can go, but the next I feel like I'm mulling around in an empty void.

I'm reading another book by Richard Paul Evans called 'A Perfect Day'. To be completely honest I really haven't enjoyed it very much, which is saying something because I'm crazy about the rest of his books. But there was something he said in it I found profound. The main character, Robert, just lost his job instead of getting the promotion he was planning on.

"...I've heard it said that the most humble of days is when a man compares what he might have been to who he really is. It is the day when life hands you a looking glass and all you can do is stare at your own reflection and scream."

I know exactly how he feels. "But Jenna...you're eighteen. Life's only beginning." Sure, sure. But right now I have more power to influence the direction of my life then I probably ever will.

I've also been feeling angry and bitter. Irritable. I HATE those feelings when they are so strong, especially when they aren't logical. I don't want to be a witch, I don't want to give way to bitterness or my life will suck. Negativity has become too powerful in my mind and I need to figure out how to battle it more effectively. Bitterness also causes me to become more judgemental...which I DESPISE. I have no right to judge anyone for anything and should be able to show more patience and love then I often do...but it's so hard when I'm consumed by those emotions I don't feel like myself, but then, I am myself...so are those emotions just part of who I am now? The mist is much too thick and the lines much too thin. I need understanding. I need knowledge. I need peace.

A New Perspective

"I am a part of all that I have met."

~Alfred Lord Tennyson

Tonight I was walking in the kitchen after finishing a chapter of "The Last Promise", a book I began reading this morning. I was reminiscing on how much I'm influenced by outside sources...they shape and change my perspective on life constantly. For a moment I felt a vulnerability I've never noticed about myself before. Who am I? What makes me who I am? How much of me is simply made up of everything and everyone around me? It felt like I was standing on a meri-go-round or an escalator, moving slowly, but moving. Unsteady. Like I suddenly realized I wasn't on solid ground.

I hope this doesn't mean I'm ridiculously gullible.

Tired Happiness Muscle

"If life was easy, it wouldn't be hard." -Sheri Dew


Sometimes I get too tired to be happy. It feels like happiness is a dance, but unfornately I'm human and can't dance for very long without losing stamina. Eventully I have to take a water break, sit down, chill. You can't dance 24/7. Heck you can't REALLY dance for 12/7 unless your an olympic athelete. Why can't happiness be the medium of emotion? It wears on you after a while when you are constanting working to hold up a bright face. No, it isn't always this way, there are times when I feel glorious just being alive. These frustrations have come as of late, and I rather despise it. My negative down-hill trails are too worn and it seems my mind is easily convinced to follow them. I.e....I'm bored...there is a whole world out there how am I letting myself be bored...why aren't I more initiative...I'm already entering a new stage of life and I'm not where I want to be...I am unsatisfied with my accomplishments...why am I whinning....why aren't I happy....this is stupid...I'm selfish....this is lame...I hate feeling this way....bleeeeeeehhhhhhhh

Wow enough of that. It is strange I am hesitant to write that thought train here because I'm afriad of what it shows about me as a person...I'm not perfect! What! Lol. I need some serious help. Maybe I should've gone to the shrink last week afterall...I kind of flaked 0ut on him. In fact I don't think I've apolojized for not showing up. Whoops. I really should be sleeping but I really don't want to. I am so negative why won't I grow up. There I go again...

This is worthless. What am I even doing.

I just want to feel good again. I mean, I feel good, but not content. Not happy. Except when I'm with people, I love people. I was definitely not made to be a hermit, because I hate being lonely. Life is splendid when I'm surrounded by the wonderful facinating people around me. Life is bleak when I'm alone. I am driving myself out of my mind! Shouldn't I be the one person I can always like?

This poor post is deteriorating in quality, if it ever had any to begin with.

I'm done complaining now. I'm going to go to sleep and wait anxiously for the sun to wake up so I can meditate under it's warmth. I love the sun. I think I've been indoors too much this summer. Vitamin D is dropping to low levels. Yay I can't wait for daylight!! Flowers! Porch swings! Trees! Barefeet in the grass!

So another half of me keeps feeling bubbley and excited for things in the future. Or from happy memories in the past. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I keep swinging back and forth, this is ridiculous.

I feel sorry for whoever has to put up with me these days.

Thought Pathway

"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. . . To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives." ---Thoreau