I AM...

People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates. ~Thomas Szasz

~~~~

I'm not doing so well lately. But I'm also doing just fine. I can't seem to keep a grip on any type of reality...how I feel, what I want, who I am...I was pondering that very subject when I came across the quote above. I like it. It makes me feel a little less unsure about my identity. I guess if I don't have all the answers to 'who am I?' it's okay, because I'm still in the making process. I've been worried because my psyche can't seem to settle on how it feels about life and all its aspects. One day I am exstatic and opptomistic about my life and where it can go, but the next I feel like I'm mulling around in an empty void.

I'm reading another book by Richard Paul Evans called 'A Perfect Day'. To be completely honest I really haven't enjoyed it very much, which is saying something because I'm crazy about the rest of his books. But there was something he said in it I found profound. The main character, Robert, just lost his job instead of getting the promotion he was planning on.

"...I've heard it said that the most humble of days is when a man compares what he might have been to who he really is. It is the day when life hands you a looking glass and all you can do is stare at your own reflection and scream."

I know exactly how he feels. "But Jenna...you're eighteen. Life's only beginning." Sure, sure. But right now I have more power to influence the direction of my life then I probably ever will.

I've also been feeling angry and bitter. Irritable. I HATE those feelings when they are so strong, especially when they aren't logical. I don't want to be a witch, I don't want to give way to bitterness or my life will suck. Negativity has become too powerful in my mind and I need to figure out how to battle it more effectively. Bitterness also causes me to become more judgemental...which I DESPISE. I have no right to judge anyone for anything and should be able to show more patience and love then I often do...but it's so hard when I'm consumed by those emotions I don't feel like myself, but then, I am myself...so are those emotions just part of who I am now? The mist is much too thick and the lines much too thin. I need understanding. I need knowledge. I need peace.