I WILL reach the dead end...

Oh my dear complicated life...why must you be so confusing?? It still boggles my mind...or perhaps it's my mind boggling the rest of me...how one day I feel on top of the world; restless and full of aspirations, searching for the next challenge or adventure. Then the next day...or even the next moment...I feel like digging a cave and sitting in it and throwing glass bottles at the wall until dooms day.

Lately I've been having some pretty psyched out cycles, and I'm not sure if it's all part of one big cycle I'll be in for the next six months, or if my mind is just trying to balance itself out again without Lamictal, and failing miserably. That's the kicker to mental illnesses, isn't it? The uncertainty. The lack of definition in dividing lines. %90 of the answers are grey. Are these medications making the difference? Do I need them? Am I really bipolar? Is this feeling me or my illness? Do I really love this person, or did they happen to pop into my life when I was manic? Is this normal?



I'm finding one of my big triggers for depression is boredom. This makes things difficult though because if I'm already feeling down, it's fifty times harder to get myself to do things. My favorite jobs have been ones where I always have something to think about, something to learn, someone to take care of. I thrive on variety and feel the happiest when my life is productive and full of new, exciting, challenges. The probelm comes when these things require consistency. I'm HORRIBLE at consistency. I get so discouraged with myself because I drop goals so fast, simply because I can't keep up a set, every day routine. I have to realize I'm not a complete failure because of this (although it sure feels like it a lot). Because if I do think that then my thoughts just get progresively more negative, downward spiral of doom. It's so hard to stop my mind once it gets spinning fast. I don't think anyone can understand the feeling of true, utter hopelessness depression brings unless they've experienced it first hand. It makes everything bleak. It takes a bright future and strangles it until you look forward and only see the same sadness and dreary mental state you are in then. It is SO incredibly hard to get through. It's like trying to convince yourself to keep walking down a tunnel you know is a dead end. Somewhere, somehow, in the back of your mind you know it will be more then a dead end, but your whole body knows it is a dead end. Doesn't make sense? Exactly.