Metaphore

While taking a shower this morning I suddenly realized I felt good. I even had energy (and still do). It is a wonderful feeling! I hit a low for a few days and I wasn't sure how long it was going to last, and believe me when I say, four days was too long. I went through the extreme of nearly all the negative emotions I can think of, and felt like tearing out hair every other second. I am imensely grateful to be leaving the deep end so quickly, as I've had periods just as bad that have dragged on for weeks. Oh, and I was feeling SO tired all the time, which, if you know anything about me, doesn't work with my lifestyle. Being utterly drained for no reason really wears on me after a few days. I felt lazy and worthless, but couldn't work up to drive to push myself any harder.

So now I feel good. But I sit on that word like a scarred child sits on a bike again after a bad fall. The thrill of finally pedeling along down the road is dampened by the constant worry I will lose balance once again and hit hard pavement.

That's a good metaphore...I just came up with that. Hm. Then mania could be compared to losing grip on the breaks, or them giving out completely. Those moments can be the highlights of my life, or the regrets. They either make me bubbly happy and invincible, or fill me with a thousand time bombs that will blow at the drop of a hat. I really hate those. I really hate feeling angry. I really hate the irritable anger that bites anyone who comes near me unawares. I don't remember being a particularly angry child. Restless, yes. Demanding, definitey. But not angry. Maybe my memory is just faulty.

Sigh. Okay. I think writing this blog is healthy therepy for me. I feel better now. Excited, even. Now I can actually start moving forward with my life. I was really hoping the depression wasn't from going off Lamictal, and I don't think it was. The only perscription drug I'm on right now is Vyvanse, which was originally to target my ADD, my has been the most successful pill I've tried. (And I have quite the list.) I can't think of a way to describe how it works with my brain, besides saying it 'pulls me together'. Gets me focused enough to start my days. Keep me from unwinding into a mess every afternoon. I drive much safer when I'm on it as well, which is reason enough to use it. It keeps my psyche forward enough to concentrate on everything in my external world. It doesn't solve everything, not by a long shot, but it gives me more confidence.

I think that is all for now. Off I go....need to work on saving the world. ;)